my life has become a complete piece of shit. i hate it. i actually have a good job and a good family, good friends and a good community....but what im realizing is that i need something else. i think i need the wild...nature....something to connect me with the fact that im actually an animal. when i was a kid growing up there were times that i would lay in the hot sand and get a handful of it and let it flow onto my chest and while i would watch the grains of sand and feel their heat, squinting my eyes because i didnt want the wind to blow any into my eyes, i could hear the waves crashing and through the canyon that you had to take to get to this beach. and i would lay there for hours, turning from one side to the other, front to back, always warm, and always knowing that the ocean lay just a hundred feet away from me. i would look at my little brother and throw sand in his face and tell him to race me to the water, i would trip him and we would laugh ourselves silly. and as we ran to the ocean you would remember how freezing california water really is and a tinge of fear would creep over you, but as it did, you would tell yourself that this was in your head, and it would be like hawaii you would run faster and faster. timing it just right so the water wouldnt be higher than halfway up your calves, as it would trip you. then you would feel the cold in your toes, shoot through your body, and all that was left to do was dive, dive through a wave, dive into two feet of water and just swim. let your head bob around in the water and wonder what kind of fucked up creature was staring at your feet. swim over to your little brother and push his head under water, spit salt water in his face and swim under and pull his feet. then you would want to get out, head back to land and walk up, shivering, jumping now for hot summer sand to coat you like a winter blanket. so like i say, my life has turned to shit in comparison. freeways, work, bills, violence, understanding the political climate, lust, sex, whoring, drinking, lies, deadlines, death, pain and fear. give me a way to balance the two, a way to have the beach after work instead of the freeway and ill be ok.